Saturday, August 31, 2013

Attending Church with an Elephant in a Minefield

It's like playing soccer on a field where there MIGHT be a couple landmines. You're not sure if they're there, but they MIGHT be so you'll need to diligently scan the ground as you "play" the game. All the while the other players on the field joyfully play the game without worries or hesitation. http://www.bonarcrump.com/2012/02/christian-ptsd-and-bunch-of-other-stuff.html    

The title sounds a bit like a bad joke, but for me it describes how I have felt in church for many years. While my faith in God has grown abundantly during and after my divorce, I have continued to struggle with the church. It has been difficult to pinpoint the reasons for the feelings of panic and fear I feel while at church, or even just planning to attend church. Before my divorce, I couldn't imagine life without the church and its people being part of my life.

During those ministry years, I would counsel others to face their fears and attend as many things as possible. I would encourage regular attendance to worship and Bible studies, downplaying any fears or concerns. After all, the Bible encourages us to keep meeting together. And honestly the biggest blessing in the ministry was the many brothers and sisters in Christ who were part of my life and my family's life. I often felt humbled by the honor of sharing life with these people, who was I that I was allowed to share the good and bad times with so many amazing folks.

However, church now is a scary place. I keep thinking it will get better. Doesn't time heal all wounds? I have been counseled and counseled myself, it is the right place for me to be. My church is full of loving people who have looked after and loved my family. These people have stuck by the kids and me while we faced the challenges post-divorce. They have given us time, money and prayers. I am thankful the presence of the church in our lives, especially my younger two children. It provided stability when nothing else in their lives was very stable.

So, why is attending church like walking into a minefield with an elephant walking behind me? It isn't a rational experience. I can attend for a few weeks, begin to think about participating in choir or leading a Bible study and promptly dissolve into a sense of fear and panic. I feel like a failure. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing my struggles that seem outside of rational thought. I am tired of church being a place where I feel like an outsider who doesn't belong. I know being part of a church can be so much better.

An Irrational response to a normal situation is considered a basic symptom of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD). I wouldn't equate my experience with war, but it was traumatic and life altering. I began looking into PTSD in regard to divorce and religion. The quote at the top is in a blog entry entitled, "Christian PTSD and other stuff." I don't agree with his entire blog but the description of worship is just about dead on. Here are some of my thoughts so far on this topic:

I have no idea what to do now. It is Saturday night and I know the decision waits for me in the morning. Do I go or don't I go? If I think about it too much, the panic will start. It is better to wait until morning to decide, the elephant can be such a bear to wake up on Sunday mornings.

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